One in four pregnancies or birth, meaning you will know someone who has been through baby loss in our lives. Having been through miscarriages I know some people can’t find the right words to support someone through baby loss and by trying to be helpful and caring they can make the grief feel so much worse. So here is my list of thing not to say to someone who has had a miscarriage.
You can have another baby
It was this baby they wanted, they really can’t see beyond grieving over the loss of their child or multiple loss. Yes, on paper what you’re saying is correct, but trust me on this one that all they want is to acknowledge they lost a baby.
At least you know you can get pregnant
Other than stating the obvious, saying this has no benefit whatsoever, all it does is reinforces the grief, please don’t say this, they feel rock bottom already!
I understand how you feel
Everyone feels grief differently, so even if you have been through a miscarriage or baby loss, they really just need you to listen and be there with them. If you’re not in a place to support them because of your own grief, It's also okay to acknowledge this.
It's for the best
Best for whom? The grief is so overwhelming that being told it’s the best outcome can make them feel that it was deserving to feel this pain.
At least you didn't know your baby
The baby is real, they came to terms with the pregnancy and started to make plans for its arrival. It's something they didn’t dream up and can suddenly forget about.
There must have been something wrong
Wrong with who exactly? What do you mean by wrong? The heartbreak is so overwhelming for parents that all they want is to not go through the upset of baby loss.
You have an angel looking after you
No! Religious or not, they never wanted an angel, they wanted a baby in their arms.
Did you do something you weren't supposed to?
This will just add to the grief, even if there is nothing the parents could have done to prevent the miscarriage. They are already feeling guilty and internally analysing every little detail, questioning everything they have done, don't throw more at them.
Be grateful for the children you have
This isn’t an ungrateful situation.
Have you thought of not having children?
NO! Please STOP! Just don’t!
Things you should say
"I'm sorry."
"I'm here for you."
“I’m not sure what to say or do but I am here and I am so sorry.”
They are in shock and won’t know how to cry out for help, ask them:
"What can I do to help?"
Then circle back and re-offer to help later on. Or say:
· “Have you thought of anything I can do to help you?
Keep in mind that they may not be able to ask for help, so if you can, offer them help with household chores, cook them some meals or if they are up to it take them out. Don’t expect them to "get over it.", remember being there for them is what they need. Being there, listening and showing kindness is what they need.
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